Custody Issues, Co-parenting and Breastfeeding

It will be in the best interests of the child to have as little disruption of normal routines as possible, particularly in the beginning. With understanding and positive intention, the child’s unfolding relationship with the father, or non-nursing parent, can be maintained, developed, and deepened without endangering the child’s need for stability or the child’s need for their mother. As the child grows, and resilient attachment relationships develop, new routines, including longer separations, will be better accepted. Breastfeeding will become less and less of an integral component of the mother/child relationship, while the relationship with the father, or other parent, continues to evolve. This emotional development cannot be hurried without negative consequence for the child.

If you try to argue that your child needs to be with you because of the benefits of your milk, you may find that the court simply suggests that you provide your pumped milk for the child’s other parent. There is precedent for this approach by the courts, so work carefully with your lawyer on how best to proceed so your child’s needs and rights are protected (United Nations, 1989).

When there is planned separation for the child from their more familiar environment, it is important to create a schedule that is as close as possible to what the child is accustomed to. Any changes should be made gradually to minimize disruption to the child. If your child is currently co-sleeping and nursing it will be particularly important that any changes to this arrangement be made slowly, at a pace that allows the child to develop and adapt. It is helpful to have a workable plan to present to the court that allows access to both parents, while still protecting breastfeeding, for as long as breastfeeding remains an important component of the child’s relationship with their mother.

MAINTAINING BREASTFEEDING DURING SEPARATION FROM YOUR CHILD
Some may suggest that weaning will solve your problems. But weaning may add unnecessary stress and anxiety for the child. You do not have to wean in order to comply with any court-ordered visitation requirements. You can continue to nurse when you and your child are together as long as you and your child want.  

Any unusual or unexpected separation can be disruptive for a young child, especially one that is struggling to adapt to a major change in the family structure and dynamics. If the parents observe that the nursing relationship is adversely affected by separation time, length or frequency, they can adjust the separations to better support the needs of the child. Disruptions may still occur, and in that event, the following can be helpful:

• During any separation that includes missing a usual breastfeeding time, it is important to express your milk to keep up your supply. (Contact an LLLC Leader for support and information.)
• When your child first returns home from a separation, make the transition easier on both of you by being available and responsive, while giving your child time to adjust and re-orient themselves.
• Sometimes your child may seem confused or may be reluctant to nurse like their usual pattern; be patient, spend time cuddling skin to skin or just being together.
• Your child may nurse more frequently; give him/her the time s/he needs to reconnect with you. This will be a time of adjusting to being together again.

If you are dealing with contentious custody and/or co-parenting issues, it can be a stressful and difficult time. At such a time, breastfeednursing may be particularly important for the health and well being of both you and your baby. If you need encouragement and support, please contact your local La Leche League Leader.

Major disruptions to the child’s familiar routines and comfort seeking behaviours, such as breastfeeding, can strain the child’s trust in their parents. Trust vs distrust is the most important developmental objective in infancy as defined by Eric Erikson (Chirban, 2016). This stage is a building block that is crucial to maturation across the entire span of the child’s life. If the child is not yet developmentally ready for lengthy overnight stays, you can offer short visits between feedings, everyday or every other day while custody is being negotiated. In the best interest of the child, both parents must understand that social and psychological development takes time, and empathetic observation of the child tells them if and when the child is ready for longer separations.

If you are concerned, for any reason, that unsupervised visitation is not safe, then consult with your lawyer and/or the police.

Mediation is a non-binding negotiation between the two parents by a neutral, trained mediator. It can be a helpful option instead of going to court, and is much less expensive. The child benefits in many ways from having parents who are collaborating and looking for solutions rather than battling with each other. Creativity, flexibility, and negotiation are key.

Arbitration is a binding decision-making process. The arbitrator acts like a judge and makes a final decision on the issue at hand. It is unusual for a judge to overturn the decision of an arbitrator so make sure you are fully informed about the implications of arbitration before agreeing to it.

These health benefits are dose-related. The longer a child breastfeeds, the lower the risk of the above illnesses.

The age of your child and the frequency of nursing should be considered when establishing a custody agreement. Lengthy separation from you, as well as from breastfeeding, could be detrimental to his/her emotional and physical health. “In addition to being a critical source of nutrition to the infant, research shows that breastfeeding is not simply a meal at the breast but also has significant and far-reaching effects on cognition, behavior, and mental health in children and mothers.” (Krol, 2018).